Therapy San Diego 101: Is talking with a therapist different than talking with a friend?

Unless you’ve taken a part in it, you may feel that psychotherapy is one of the least understood professions: Two people meet regularly to talk and “magic happens.” How is that talk different than a talk you might have with a friend? What sets the two relationships apart and gives psychotherapy an edge in its healing power?

What will therapy in San Diego do for you that a friend can’t?

I should start by saying that good supportive friendships are an asset that is irreplaceable by therapy. I would also add that as a therapist, my personal goal is to set you free of your dependency on therapy, and to help you rely on those relationships (among other things) for sustenance.  However, there are times in life when relationships or friendships are not enough, and it is beneficial to talk with a professional, a therapist, who can help in ways that a friend cannot.

Therapy relationships are contractual relationships. There are rules governing them that are typically strictly implemented. For one, therapy relationships are bounded by time and place (e.g., you may meet with a therapist for one hour per week, on the same day and time, and at the same place). Also, there are rules of transaction that are associated with therapy (e.g., you pay a certain $ amount per session, and in return get service). Some clients may feel challenged by those rules, and may want to feel that they have more accessibility to their therapist. They may look for “proof” that the therapist “truly cares about them” in the form of stretching those boundaries similarly to what they expect from a close friend.

However, these same rules or boundaries protect the therapeutic relationship and allow the therapist to make the client the focus of their undivided attention during their weekly session. Ideally, the therapy hour is wholly dedicated to addressing the client’s needs (i.e., the relationship is not reciprocal). During that hour, the therapist will use their professional wisdom (a product of years of training and practice) while moving their client one step at a time closer to healing.

It is difficult to get such full attention from a friend with whom boundaries are much looser. How often does it happen that you share something significant with a friend, and before you know it, they respond with their own personal story, which they were reminded of while listening to yours? When this happens, you are left with a feeling that you were sort of stranded when the attention shifted from your needs to theirs.  Also, with a friend, you sometimes feel “guilty” for taking their time, wondering whether they would prefer to be doing something else. Those concerns do not apply to your relationship with a therapist. The therapeutic contract is explicit about your rights and the therapist’s role, thereby relieving you from the need to think about it. 

And there are more differences. A friend who is involved in your life may have a stake in the choices you make. Even when caring deeply about you, they may be judgmental about your choices, and may introject misguided opinions or advice about problems you have been dealing with. A therapist, on the other hand, is objective and uninvolved. They do not have a stake in your life, and they guide you with knowledge. This is not to say that therapists never make mistakes; there is no claim here that they are free of biases, or personal opinions. However, hopefully, their years of training help them navigate those troubled waters more carefully.

Therapeutic relationships are also bounded by rules of confidentiality. Whereas your friend is a part of your social circle and may be tempted to share what you’ve shared with them with mutual friends, a therapist would be violating ethical and legal codes if they shared what you shared with others. With a few exceptions, the therapy environment is like a safety deposit box, where you can place your secrets for safekeeping, forever.

Finally, metaphorically speaking, while a friend may give you a fish if you are hungry, a therapist will teach you how to fish. A good therapist will not stop at giving you content solutions to the specific problems you discuss with them. They will teach you skills that will help you approach similar problems in the future on your own. Like a good parent who gradually teaches their child to be independent, the therapist’s goal is to reduce your dependency on therapy and set you free of it. They do this by working with you on understanding what situations typically challenge you and then helping you learn how to overcome those challenges above and beyond the specific instance that you are currently facing. To that end, the therapist may work with you on the ability to regulate your distress and emotions on your own. They may also work with you on establishing healthy supportive relationships with others, who will be there for you when you need them and when therapy is all done.

Interested in therapy in San Diego, California?

You may contact me for a FREE 15-min phone consultation, where we can briefly review your goals for therapy. I will then tell you whether I think I can help, and if I can’t, I will redirect you to other resources. Click here to schedule your free phone consultation or call me at 858-330-0065.