Therapy San Diego 101: How to deal with change?
I don’t know about you, but I don’t particularly like change. I am referring to change like moving to a new place, quitting a job and starting a new one, or dealing with the end of a relationship. Although any of these changes may result in real improvement in the quality of your life, change, in-and-of-itself, may feel unsettling. You often hear people say: “Yes, I know that I am not in a good place right now, but at least it is familiar… who knows what a new place would be like?” People often feel that the familiar is associated with a sense of control while the new or the unknown is not.
A residence, a job, or a relationship – each constitutes a “space” where you function. Leaving an old space and starting anew elsewhere, is often accompanied by a temporary sense of disorientation. It is like walking in a foreign city without a map, trying to deduce existing rules which govern that territory. The old, even if it was unpleasant, had some level of predictability. For instance, in your previous job, you knew that when the work became harder, you could not rely on your colleagues to help you out. In your old apartment, you dreaded every Saturday night because your neighbor threw a party that kept you up all night. In your old relationship, you learned that if you talked to your partner immediately when they came back from work, they would get upset with you. When you leave known spaces behind, and enter a new space, you can’t help but wonder what will lead to what in this new environment. With some trepidation about the unknown, you scan the new space to discover its particular set of contingencies.
During your time at the old space, you gradually learned its rules and developed routines and habits to manage them or cope with them. These habits became acquired skills, which then, in turn, gave you a sense of competency. For instance, since your colleagues did not help you out, you became resolved to doing various aspects of the job on your own; this in turn contributed to your sense of mastery at the workplace. To deal with the noisy Saturday night parties, you often asked your best friend if you could spend the night at their place. In your old relationship, you learned to give your partner alone time when they returned from work. In contrast, since the “rules” and “contingencies” are still unknown in the new space, you have not yet developed routines to cope with them. As a result, you feel that “you don’t know your game,” and that your “toolbox” or set of acquired skills is gone. This is typically the case until you figure things out.
Leaving an old place, retiring from a job you’ve had for a while, or ending a relationship - may all contribute to a feeling that you have lost parts of yourself. You may feel uneasy, sad, and apprehensive about the future. You may grieve what you have lost even it was time to move on. You may wonder whether you made the right choice - if it was you who chose to make the change. You may question whether you will make it in the new space.
How to deal with change?
To summarize, change, desirable or not, can make you feel disoriented, outside the bounds of your competency, and grieving the good that was lost. What might help you deal with the consequences of change? What might help you attain a new sense of equilibrium?
Adapting to change does not happen overnight. Make sure to give yourself compassion for enduring the process. Acknowledge the loss you’ve sustained, and the fears of the unknown. Know that many others would be feeling what you are feeling right now - were they in similar circumstances.
Try sticking to routines that are familiar to you. For instance, continue working out, or just going on a daily walk. Continue journaling or watching your favorite TV shows. Your personal routines will give you an anchor while experiencing the instability of a new job, the end of a relationship, or a new place.
Take care of your body. Make sure that you eat and drink. If you can, get proper sleep. Change taxes the body, so you need to nourish your body to manage the change.
Give yourself permission to make mistakes. It takes time to learn new environments (whether a city, a workplace, or a new relationship). Be kind to yourself when you take the wrong turn, when you say the wrong thing. Making mistakes is a normal part of any learning process.
Don’t label yourself harshly when you notice what seems like a reduction in your competency. Remember it is temporary and expected. Employ patience and forgiveness as you partake in the adjustment process.
Remember that how you feel now is different than the way you will feel in several weeks or months. Allow yourself to grow.
Free phone consultation for therapy in San Diego
If you have gone through a recent life change or anticipate going through a change and you are dreading it, you can enjoy the support of therapy to help with this process. I provide a free 15-min phone consultation to discuss the possibility of enrolling in therapy with me. I will ask you about your therapy needs and share whether I believe I can help. If I can’t help, I will suggest other resources. Please click here to schedule a phone consultation or call me at 858-330-0065. I look forward to talking with you.